I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
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