mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
