I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
