I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
