Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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