theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
