He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
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