Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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