New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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