I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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