So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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