I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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