I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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