so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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