i was born a porn star she said
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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