I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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