consequently i now know what mace tastes like
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
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