so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Sponge bath it is.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
