Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
