No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Someone shattered a urinal.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
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