Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
