my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
