her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
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