According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
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