May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
