for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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