you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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