Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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