My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
