having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
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