11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Randomize
