LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
