You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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