I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
