I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
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