i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
