Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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