My sheets look like a crime scene.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
