i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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