good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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