I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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