i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
She bit a glass in half.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
