Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
