he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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