Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
