then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
