in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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