Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
