I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
A+ Viking dick
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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