maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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